10 Tips for Not Breeching Birth & Baby Etiquette

Baby Murphy #4

My wife delivered our 4th child last week. Like all pro-life Catholics who’ve been blessed by God with more children than bedrooms, we get a little nervous and perhaps even self-conscious, despite the fact that we know, in the end, we’re doing the right thing. Keeping our anxieties in mind, here are a few points you should consider when approaching your own expectant Catholic friends if you want to avoid letting your etiquette be born breech.

1. Don’t ask if we know where babies come from. If we’re having kids, we probably know. (Then again, most of the secular world seems genuinely surprised when sex leads to babies.) If we are having our n^th baby, where the variable n > [the number of kids you have], we probably know better than you do. Any attempt to turn this into a commentary will be interpreted either as a sign of your stupidity or an invitation to outline for you the biology involved. Seasoned parents are well within our rights to turn your poor, classless attempt at humor on its head and make you the butt of the joke, so be prepared to handle comfortably any mention of the biology involved in any combination, as well as my personal favorite, “do you know any good recipes for placenta?” That should shut you up right there. Be warned: most n^th-time parents have done our research and developed a high degree of snark defending our kids.
2. No, your birthday is not the best time for our child to be born, you total stranger. Seriously, what arrogance! I’ve totally had some variation on this conversation before, many times:
   

   Total stranger: So when is your wife due?
   Me: May 21st.
   Stranger: Oh! That’s so close to my birthday! You should totally try to have the baby on my birthday!
   Me: Ummm… When is your birthday?
   Stranger: June 13th.
   Me: Go away.

   Seriously, folks. Let’s have a chat about embryonic development. Pregnancy is supposed to last around 40 weeks. Some doctors will let you go past that if you’re really against inducing labor, but most women (and all sane women) will tell you that they WANT THE BABY OUT RIGHT NOW by about 38 weeks. After 40 weeks, the baby starts burning fat stores and can actually be adversely affected by a prolonged stay in the womb. So you have the unmitigated gall to suggest my wife wait an extra 3 weeks and endanger my child so she can share a birthday with a stranger? Go away.

3. No, your name is not the best name for our child. People, people, people, don’t you get it? We don’t want our child to be born on your birthday. Why on earth would we want to name her after you? Believe it or not, there are folks in our lives more inspiring and personally meaningful than our barber, garbage man, and next door neighbor, though you all have lovely names. (Except for you, Sr. Tertulliana. Sorry.) Go away.
4. “Blob” is not a cute pet name for a baby in the womb. That’s what our old OB called our first son in a passing comment. She might as well have congratulated us on our little clump of cells. We immediately switched to a different doctor. Don’t expect pro-life parents to put their children in the hands of doctors who give every indication they’d be just as content to abort the child as to help deliver the child, depending on the whim of the parents. Sorry, I only trust people with my kids if I know they love my kids and I never trust doctors who don’t know their basic biology (like when life begins).
5. There isn’t an appropriate time to ask about tubal ligation. Our current OB has done everything she can to shelter us from the pro-contraception crowd that dominates her career field. When our second child was born, while my wife’s c-section was still wide open, the assisting physician asked my wife if she’d like a tubal ligation. Great timing, doc. As if a woman who has just gone through a major operation and is currently drugged (read: probably can’t give informed consent) and trying to focus on the beautiful new life being presented to her really wants to hear you imply that, in fact, she should want to stop the production of any more of these hideous parasites that thrive off her nutrients and make her throw up for 9 months. Why would a doctor suggest tubal ligation if he thought well of babies? Why is a doctor who thinks badly of babies anywhere near obstetrics? Go away.
6. Really, there is NEVER an appropriate time to ask about tubal ligation. “Girl, you need to get your tubes tied!” is just not an acceptable way to reply to the news of a person’s n^th pregnancy. I’m looking at you, random Target employee who did that to my wife 2 weeks ago. (Yes, that really happened.) Why would anyone think this question is okay? Would the same random person tell me to get a vasectomy? Of course not. Most men would say it’s nobody’s business and the inquirer would probably be lucky not to be spitting out teeth a few moments later. For women, though, who are regularly treated like cattle by secular society, this is totally fine, right? Why not treat fertility like a disease?
7. Suggesting “soft” eugenics isn’t really appropriate, either. Imagine my surprise when, after our first two kids were a boy and a girl, one of their daycare workers said, “So, a boy and a girl? You’re gonna stop now, right?” (I suppose it never crossed her mind that we were helping keep her in a job.) What does the question imply? That kids are possessions, accessories for one’s life. If you have one of each sex, then you’ve got a complete set. If you’re unlucky enough to have gotten all boys or all girls so far, then maybe some leeway can be made for another attempt at the opposite sex, but if you’ve got one of each, you’d better be done. “Never!” I say! “We won’t be done until my wife’s uterus blows a flat,” I tell them, and smirk at their discomfort (see #1 above).
8. “I bet you have your hands full“ will be taken, every time, as an offer to carry a child. Would any polite person ever say that in any other situation without offering to help? “Oh, hey, looks like you’ve got your hands full with all those books. Oh, just saw you trip a little. Have a nice day!” More importantly, this phrase just goes to demonstrate the poor vision of the commenter, who doesn’t see what’s really going on. What person doesn’t usually feel like they have their hands full? Even monks feel busy, and most of us would envy – in our great stupidity – their amount of “free time.” The truth is that we get our hands full rather easily, but the more we find in our hands, the more unimportant things we drop. We find our priorities changed and our lives blessed with things truly worthy of us. You know what a father looks like when his hands are as full as they can be? His arms are outstretched, like His Savior upon the cross. I’m grateful to have my hands full.
9. “Well, aren’t you being a good Catholic!” Really? I am?! You have no idea how often I feel like a terrible Catholic. I’m grateful to have my hands full, yes, but that doesn’t mean I always recognize that blessing in the moment – especially at Walmart. Besides, while being Catholic and having a lot of kids does probably (probably) indicate that I accept Humanae Vitae and likely every other Catholic doctrine, it doesn’t mean I’m well-formed, saintly, or completely free of mental anguish every time I see a positive pregnancy test. Nor does not having a large family indicate bad Catholics. There are plenty out there who are unable to have kids or even have just cause to avoid conception for an indefinite period of time (and yes, that is allowed, see HV 10).
10. “How often does he beat you?” Some friends of mine from college got this one after the new mother turned down the contraceptive prescription the doc offered her after delivering their first (FIRST!!) child. They had the husband removed from the room to inquire about her personal safety because clearly any woman who wants to have more than one child must be a brainwashed slave of her husband who has only been unchained from the laundry machine long enough to give birth and this is her only chance at escape! “Hurry! Sneak her out the window! She might have to do chores!”